Quality Entertainment

Once, a friend of mine revealed to me an indisputable truth: when you're abroad, you'll watch anything that comes on TV - as long as it's in English. Though I must to concur, allow me to expand a bit. I'm not talking about vacation here. I mean when you're overseas for a period of time - when you're immersed in another language and culture. It seems some internal mechanism increases your tolerance for ridiculousness, so long as it's from a familiar culture or language. A few examples:


I watched way more of this movie than I'd like to admit. Yes, that's Willie Nelson in the background there, playing Uncle Jessie. Oh Willie, you wrote "Crazy." How low you've sunk. Let's continue...












Synopsis: Chris Farley and the effeminate guy from friends are pioneers in the American frontier. Hilarity ensues. I lost 5 IQ points with this one.





























Last and indeed least we have Kazaam. "This film misses more than Shaq at the free throw line." The reviewer continues, "Everything about this film is simply horrid, and I can't fathom it would find an audience anywhere." He obviously wasn't thinking about expat Americans flipping around at 2 in the morning.














Two questions arise here. First: Why is this crap on Israeli TV every night? For this I have no guess, though and can tell you it's giving foreigners a warped sense of American culture. The world already thinks we Yanks are a bit dull, and Shaq-Fu over here isn't really helping.
Second is why? Why am I able to watch the stupendously vacuous output of Hollywood where normally I can't tolerate one second of it? Perhaps it's the mind numbing effect. Living in a new language is a real challenge to the brain. All interactions require extra effort. By the time the evening comes around, you're ready to just pull the plug on mental activity. That's where John Goodman dressed as Santa comes in. Oh! and did you know that Kid 'n Play made a movie? Behold Israel - The High Top Fade!

Porcupine Slippers

I received my Teudot Zehut or National ID card a few days after landing in Israel (don't worry, I chopped out any identifying info). It was a proud moment for me. After 2,000 years of exile, the children of Israel were again a free people in their homeland. I was honored to represent my lineage in the land of Jewish sovereignty. Yet little did I realize that my marker of Israeli identity, though seemingly official, was less than complete. It seems that one indicator of my national status was still missing.

That was until I received a gift.

Yes, these indoor shoes are the real mark of a new immigrant in Israel. Called Na’alei Kipi נעלי קיפי, these outwardly ridiculous, yet surprisingly useful and comfy slippers now complete my absorption into Eretz Yisrael. In fact, when I first wore them, three different people said to me "Oh, now you're really Israeli!"

Allow me to make a few assumptions as to explain the popularity of this item. First, Israelis have yet to discover insulation. Though my concrete box of an apartment could withstand a rather powerful blast, it is quite bad at regulating temperatures. This, coupled with the slate flooring (sand a rugs don’t mix) makes for chilly foot conditions. So goes my hypothesis on my new footgear - but where does the name come from? Glad you asked.




This horrifying creature is call Kipi Ben Kipod קיפי בן קיפוד or Kipi son of Porcupine, and I’m told he is a popular character on Israeli Sesame Street – Rehov Sumsum רחוב סומסום. Have a look these pictures and notice that he (apparently it’s a male) wears this style of slipper.

Also notice that this is the scariest thing you've ever seen on Sesame Street.

See the look of shock and fear on this young man’s face as he stares, paralyzed with fear into its soulless eyes.

Even Israel’s Oscar the Grouch winces, wide-eyed with terror, under the looming shadow of this ghastly figure.


So why did the creators of Rehov Sumsum choose such an appalling beast to teach kids about squares and the number 8? Perhaps to traumatize them early, so as to toughen them up for later in life. Most of these kids are going to serve in the army. We can’t have the defenders of the country running around, scared of their own machine guns. This is Israel after all. Not a day goes by without somebody trying to kill us. No time for sissies – and that goes for the girls too!

In all seriousness, Israeli Sesame Street does try awfully hard to teach the children well. There are always segments about making peace, respecting other cultures and embracing differences. Israel’s Arab population is represented and characters are always viewed in the positive spirit of egalitarianism. Jim Henson would be proud. It's also pretty funny. Here is a clip that I’ve translated into English and added subtitles to. Sorry for the crude, no-budget quality. Freeware.



So what’s going on in Hamas’ Gaza…













What’s that Mustafa Mouse, Jews are the sons of pigs?













72 little Minnies, just waiting up there for him.

Booze and Don't

Being new a new immigrant in Israel, I have a lot of free time. I’m often making all kinds of cultural observations that would be good to write about. Problem is, most of these are made on the bus and I forget what they are. So until I get a notebook I figured I’d write about a subject close to my heart – one I feel comfortable writing about. Something sure to get the creative juices flowing.

If you ever come to Israel, you should acquaint yourself with the local beer. There are two notable mass-produced Israeli beers. These are Goldstar גולדסטאר and Maccabiבירה מכבי . Both are pale lagers at 4.9% abv (wikipedia), but the two beers are quite different in taste. Maccabi is the real Zionist beer – mostly cause of the name. I picture Judah Maccabi reclaiming the Temple and then cracking open a pounder. It’s gold in color and light in taste. There’s nothing really wrong with Maccabi – it’s just your average yellow beer.

Goldstar is what I would call an amber lager(not a pilsener), though the bottle says Dark Lager Beer. It’s best from the tap. It has a smooth creamy texture – almost like from a hand-drawn tap. The flavor is subtle; a little sweet, a little spicy and a mild finish. In short, if you find yourself in a bar in Israel, drink lots of Goldstar. It’s a very tasty beer, and certified kosher of course.

But not all beer in Israel is what it appears to be…

Have a look at this.

Looks like beer, right? It’s with all the other beer in the grocery store. It’s listed with all the other beers on a menu. Has to be beer. Well it’s not. Israelis call it Malt מאלט and I still can find a purpose for its existence on the planet. It’s brown, thick, sweet and without any alcohol. And it’s posing as a perfectly normal beer. I would say it’s children’s beer, but that’s what Maccabi’s for.

Anyway, steer clear of this stuff. And be extra careful of the diet version. Yes, diet non-alcoholic beer.

I guess you take the good with the bad in a new country so now I’ll close with one of my favorites. Arak ארק is a clear, colorless, unsweetened aniseed-flavored distilled alcoholic drink, produced and consumed in the Eastern Mediterranean countries, Syria, Lebanon, Israel, Iraq, and Jordan. Thanks Wikipedia. It’s kind of like Sambuca but not as thick. If you get a bottle of Ouzo, that’s pretty close. In Israel, Elite Arak is 40% abv and Arak Aluf (champion arak) is 50%.

This is how I prepare it.

Notice the change in color from clear to milky-white.

Like so many things in the Middle East, arak is meant to be enjoyed slowly. Sit in the warm sun or cool shade, sip on a cold glass of arak and stare out at the sea. It’s something all the people of the region can agree on. Of course, most of the neighboring population is Muslim and forbidden to drink alcohol – There’s a devil in every berry of the grape (The Qu’ran) Oh well, more for me. Le’chaim!